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Kind Bars Dark Chocolate Chili Almond

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It's at least a little weird to eat a chocolate-nut bar that's actually spicy. The spice doesn't come in right away, so it gives a sense of security—like it's just a plain ol' chocolate-nut bar held together by caramel, and the chili claim is just marketing noise. Sweet, crunchy, sticks to your teeth.

But a good 10 seconds into chewing a bite, the spice suddenly says hello. It's potent! The fact that the sweet and spicy flavors come and go at different times make this bar a really satisfying experience.

I want another one.

Deja Poop Score: 4/10. Extremely nutty.

Chomp on the choco-nut at:
http://www.kindsnacks.com/store/types/kind-bars/dark-chocolate-chili-almond.html

Nutty Goodness Espress Yourself Fruit and Nut Bites

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I think they gave this flavor such a tiredname because they use espresso in the mix with whatever else they press together to form this vegan imitation-jerky. It's also clear by their other flavor names ("Nana Rama," "Berry Good") that they have a preference for '80s synth pop and lack creativity. They're not referencing NWA or Mahesh Babu.

I'm glad they don't try to call this beef jerky, even though it seems it's trying to look like the stuff or act as a replacement. It is not, and it doesn't have the protein content to even begin pretending.

It is, however, halfway decent fruit leather—albeit with a typical-hippie grainy texture. Maybe that's the espresso. It's not particularly chewy. Not a satisfying bite. The nuts embedded give no resistance.

The bag tells me to take back the snack. I'm not sure these pressed-date triangles would be an effective fighter in the wars over food supremacy. They lack diversity of flavor or te…

Gem City Fine Foods Marble Brownie

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My wife suggested heating this thing in the microwave for 20-25 seconds. I did. Once warm, it fell apart the moment I touched it. Naturally, this made it difficult to eat. Any time I tried to pick up a piece that appeared to be a unified hunk of brownie, I was grossly disappointed as it crumbled apart between my fingers.

It held together a little better after it cooled, but the damage was done. It was moist in a disconcerting way.

This brownie is very rich, and the marbled caramel section is tasty. Shame that it has that grainy texture typical of gluten-free cakes.

Gluten holds shit together. Keep your gluten, people. If you're gonna sacrifice your desserts to the health food gods, go all the way. Eat some fucking kale.

It's a goddamned dessert. It's not supposed to be good for you, and this thing, even without gluten, is no exception.

Deja Poop Score 9/10. It's called a "brownie" for a reason. Hopefully yours aren't rectangular.

What can brown can do fo…

Oh Snap! Hottie Pickle

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This is a single-serving pickle for you to snack on. They recommend serving chilled. If you've ever eaten room-temperature pickles before, you already know why. Lukewarm pickles are weird. It's also weird to suggest "serving" a pickle in a bag. You don't serve this. You eat it. Alone. Just you and the salt. Together at last.

When I was a kid, I loved tomatoes because I could pour lots of salt (or soy sauce, which is basically a brown salt-delivery liquid) on them. I don't remember having pickles in rural Brazil at the time. When I discovered pickles, I was all about 'em.

It's a vegetable with the salt already in it. Perfection. You can send those sweet pickle abominations straight to hell.

This pickle meets my savory standards, and delivers on the hot-and-spicy promise. It hits the right balance of not being too spicy but still giving plenty of that tingle on your lips. This is way the hell better than those miserable Mt. Olive/Texas Pete pickles, wh…