Dirty Hippie Snacks

You know what's really unexpected? Flavorful salmon and rice orzo prepackaged in a microwavable plate. It's like getting dry gouda in a can of pressurized cheese .  My expectations dropped further when I saw the thing make its own hot-air casket. A dead fish was performing sedentary bikram yoga. But it came out flaky and delicious. It had great texture, the orzo had good bite — it wasn't cooked to mush — and there was nothing weird about it at all. It didn't even fill up the office break room with that much-maligned fishy smell. I got compliments. It needed salt 1 , but I'd definitely get another. It's pretty scrumptious. Deja poop score: 0/10. Not poopy at all. Fish on via Eat Fresco Foods, at  http://eatfrescofoods.com/products/balsamic-glazed-grilled-salmon/ 1  I am a fiend for salt. Food is just a vehicle for sodium chloride.

This bullshit. This is some bullshit. "Crunchy superfood snack"? You mean some fucking raisins with pits? Because that's what this is: The exact same flavor as plain old raisins, but with the additional annoyance of having to spit out the goddamn seeds. Or, you know, crunch them with your teeth—an activity that is only satisfying if you eat glass in your leisure time. I seriously thought there were rocks inside these raisins when I first started, because they look like raisins and I don't expect raisins to have pits. I don't know that I've had a snack make me so angry before. Snacks shouldn't be work. I'm grinding my teeth to tear at grape flesh, pushing with my tongue to separate it from the pits. Antioxidants? Grapes are grapes, asshole. There are no more antioxidants in these "wine grapes" than your regular box of raisins that you can buy for two dollars . You'd have to be a top-shelf moron to spend literally five times a