Dirty Hippie Snacks

I don't know what the hell silken tofu is. I know it makes for a tart chocolate pudding when blended with chocolate chips and agave. It also looks like a pile of dogshit diarrhea. I've picked up piles of this out of my neighbors lawns. Or, more accurately, I've used a Dollar Tree plastic bag as a glove and failed to lift most of this retched-smelling brown liquid up from between blades of too-long Saint Augustine grass. My wife made this. It is delicious. She actually used espresso chocolate chips, so I'm probably a little wired right now. And you know what caffeine does to your bowels. She also tells me that mousse and pudding are different. Whatever. You can search the Internet for a recipe or you can improvise your own mix. Deja Poop Score: 10 out of 10. I'm back, shit lovers.

Why do companies keep trying to improve on chocolate? Chocolate is delicious. It doesn't need improving. Chocolate leather, on the other hand, is a sticky, miserable mess that's more like a taffy or Airheads candy and doesn't really resemble fruit leather at all. I can't find any website or other source of information on this weird product except for a handful of sites that tout it as a " new option for Kosher chocolate lovers ." I can only assume that "chocolate lover" is Hebrew for " shit eater ." It sticks to its own wrapper, so it's hard to unwrap. It's like the turd itself is warning you: Do Not Eat. Place Directly In Toilet . My wife likens the mouth feel to eating chips while chewing gum. Bits get stuck in the gum and it becomes a grainy, unpleasant wad. She held up a leather strap by the end and it drooped "like a limp dick." Deja Poop Score: Am I allowed to give it an 11? Sorry, no. It's 2016 and I ...

It's hard to figure out why "Jennies" doesn't have an apostrophe. It's consistently without one on their website, but their About page is blank. Is Jennies a nickname for Jens? Is the Macaroon King of German descent? Is it a simple mistake carried all the way through packaging and website design, and if so, who is Jennie and why is she a king? Grammatical curiosities aside, this snack takes the add-salt-to-chocolate trend and applies it to what must've already been an existing line of macaroons, since the company offers several varieties. Maybe it's too rich and decadent without the salt. Unlike some chocolate-and-sea-salt snacks, the salt is substantial and therefore a bit of a surprise. It's not bad, mind you. I'm just saying most snacks I've tried of that variety pay only lip service to the salt part. Jennies (whoever that is) manages to do it without overdoing it. These are excellent. It was difficult to control myself so I wouldn...

Obvious Deja Poop Score is obvious: 10 out of 10. The resemblance to a butt actively crapping is so precise that it makes me wonder if someone at Dunkin suggested this as a joke and somehow it got by the focus group.

In this case, "tastes much better than it looks" is impossibly hopeless. Also: it doesn't taste good. Deja poop score: Flawless victory (10 out of 10). Product info: http://www.gopalshealthfoods.com/product/original-brownie/

These chocolate flavored organic protein bars always always always look like a flattened turd. Who's market testing this shit? Product info: http://organicfoodbar.com/products/organic-food-bartm-68g/belgium-chocolate-chip/