Dirty Hippie Snacks

These gummies aren't a typical Dirty Hippie Snack because they make no claims about being healthy or any such thing. It's just a stoner snack. It contains red 40, corn syrup, and pretty much everything else typical Dirty Hippies hate. My wife's store won't carry marijuana-related edibles to begin with (these are indeed legal), but even if they did, the total lack of health-anything in it means you'll never see it in her store. But not all stoners are hippies, and stoners will consume anything that even looks like a pot leaf.  I looked up CBD (which this thing is "100% infused" with, though it's not clear what the 100% refers to). That's cannabidiol, which Wikipedia says no psychoactive effects. Seeing that, I figured when the package said it "may cause drowsiness" and "do not exceed 1-2 per hour," (apparently they don't know what "do not exceed" means) it was just hype and bullshit meant to sell expensive ca

Bacon jerky. I know, right? How did this not enter my face before? Before the hipsters got a hold of it and fused it with hipster ketchup , anyway. This bacon jerky isn't tough and chewy like you expect from a beef jerky, or crispy like you might expect from bacon. It's soft, kinda like really wide noodles, but with more chew than pasta al dente. The flavor coating is candy-like in its crystalline sweetness, but the sriracha spice kicks you quickly afterward. The pieces clump together into one big piece. It's not hard to separate, but again, it's not like beef jerky. It's good. It's tasty. But I think I'd prefer a flavor that lets the pork stand out on its own. The sriracha spice is strong. Deja Poop Score: 6/10. The pig of fire actually smells exactly the same coming out. Stink up the office toilet at: https://chefscutrealjerky.com/product/real-bacon-jerky-sriracha

Here's a series of rabbit turds I can't make my mind up about. The barbeque fava crisps are my favorite, with the crunchiest and most satisfying texture and least-dog-food-like flavor ( ask me how I know ). All of these have that same undertone, though the fava BBQ masks it the best. The peas turn into a fine sand after chewing it a while, and that texture lingers in your mouth. As the flavor layer dissolves into your saliva, the pea-sand remains, which is how that dog food flavor rises to the surface. Disregarding that, I think the ranch is my favorite for initial flavor. Fun fact: When I was a kid, I lived around the corner from someone with a " Visualize Whirled Peas " bumper sticker on their car. I never met the owner, but I saw it every time I walked to school. I remember reading it a few times until I finally said it out loud and understood. I'm not sure if I loved puns before then, but it was definitely a satisfying moment when I got the joke.

Update, 10/8/16: Following instructions is important. I came at this thinking I would get hot water and pour it into the container, which is why it turned out like a creamy slop. If you do it right—add cold water, stir, and microwave—it cooks and fluffs up like the power cake it claims to be. I would definitely eat this again. Rightfully delicious, fluffy, good. Original post follows.  

Look, I get that it's the cool thing to use "artisan" in your product literature these days, but this is a rectangle of nuts unceremoniously cut, like a bar of soap, from a much bigger rectangle of same. "Artisan crafted" in this case just means, at best, that "a human with a recipe poured ingredients into the form and later cut the thing into smaller pieces." You're not a blacksmith or a cooper or a tanner or a gunsmith or a stonemason. Drop the bullshit. Anyway, I like coconut, and this tastes like coconut. Unlike other mostly-nut bars, whatever sticky stuff they use to hold it all together is satisfyingly compliant. It's not an impenetrable brick. It's sweet, tasty, doesn't stick to your teeth, and doesn't have the grainy texture of many protein bars. I'm a big fan of our national parks, so I appreciate that they support the National Parks Foundation. The packaging is attractive. Each flavor features a picture and so

These sticks hardly look like poop at all. But they are deliciously beefy and salty, somewhere between eating an uncooked hot dog and a stick of cured sausage. That's meant to be a compliment. Sorry.

This week's update is a day late and a dollar sho—actually, I get paid the same zero dollars for updating this site, so while pay rate and value equations (dollars per post) both calculate undefined, we can take the limit as "dollars" approaches zero to determine that yes, indeed, my time and yours are both worthless.

This is a gross snack, but not in a way I can quite pinpoint. It's not that the spicy flavor is bad or that the texture is wrong. What's wrong with it is that it kind of tastes like it was fried in rancid oil. Maybe their industrial fryers need more frequent cleaning. Regardless the problem, it's not limited to this flavor. I previously tried their Curry Crunch and had that same uncertain-but-unsettling flavor. It might be musty, it might be sick-sweet, but it's definitely not spicy and not potato. The container does call it an "exotic healthy snack." I don't know if "vaguely like sauna ass" qualifies as exotic, but I guess it's probably healthy. Except no, there's almost nothing redeeming on the nutrition facts label. Lots of fat, lots of salt, not a whole lot of anything else. If you like shoestring potatoes, you'll hate these. Deja Poop Score: 0/10. Crunch on this junk at: http://www.zouq.com/fiery-sticks/

I appreciate that this Zing company doesn't bullshit you on serving size  to make the nutrition facts label look good. They also say it's vegan, organic ingredients, blah blah blah I eat meat and I regularly inhale tetrachloroethylene so I don't give a shit. This bar smells like chocolate and chews like coconut plus a little crunch, so it's truth in advertising. It has all the hallmarks of a candy bar, but unlike some liars parading junk food as hippie goodness , this actually looks hippie legit. It's a bit of grainy as you chew, but it's tasty as hell, so I'll forgive that for the fact that it's got as much protein and more fiber compared to  a protein bar that leaves chia seeds stuck in your teeth all goddamn day . Seriously, this thing is pretty good. Would eat again. Deja Poop Score: 4/10. Standard chocolate bar resemblance, but not significantly turdlike . Gnaw on this log at: http://www.zingbars.com/12-bars-of-chocolate-coconut/

Why do companies keep trying to improve on chocolate? Chocolate is delicious. It doesn't need improving. Chocolate leather, on the other hand, is a sticky, miserable mess that's more like a taffy or Airheads candy and doesn't really resemble fruit leather at all. I can't find any website or other source of information on this weird product except for a handful of sites that tout it as a " new option for Kosher chocolate lovers ." I can only assume that "chocolate lover" is Hebrew for " shit eater ." It sticks to its own wrapper, so it's hard to unwrap. It's like the turd itself is warning you: Do Not Eat. Place Directly In Toilet . My wife likens the mouth feel to eating chips while chewing gum. Bits get stuck in the gum and it becomes a grainy, unpleasant wad. She held up a leather strap by the end and it drooped "like a limp dick." Deja Poop Score: Am I allowed to give it an 11? Sorry, no. It's 2016 and I

I've started riding mountain bike trails a lot lately. I live in Florida, so please interpret "mountain" loosely. There aren't huge climbs or fast downhills, but there are plenty of difficult, technical trails around here to challenge your skills. Anyway. A fellow rider offered me an energy gel product recently, so I thought I'd see what my wife could get me in a dirty hippie variety. Not because I particularly care about being a dirty hippie, but because I'm curious and she gets a mega discount for being The Boss Lady. This Vega Sport Endurance Gel has been in our pantry for a long time. Months? Not sure. It has no dates printed on the thing. Judging by the graphics, it must have existed as a product no earlier than 2008. So. I have the Orange Zest flavor, and surprisingly enough, it's not a generic citrus flavor or frozen concentrate orange juice taste. It actually tastes like actual orange zest, which is kind of cool (in an earthy sort

Look, I'm not the one who makes up the names for these things. If "Amy's Andy's Dandy Candy Crispy Candy Bar" is tough to parse, that's not my fault. Blame Amy and/or her kitchen  for the overabundance of possessives and adjectives. I would explain it all for you, but I have candy to eat and poop comparisons to make. I'm a busy man. This is a candy bar, so it suffers none of the difficulties of protein bars . Meaning it's not difficult to make it look good and taste good. The dark chocolate exterior is mild to moderate: not too bitter, not too sweet. There's enough cocoa content to retain that good dark-chocolate scent. They hit a tasty balance for a candy bar. What I assume is a mix of rice and almond bits in the middle provide a satisfying crunch. There are two individual bars in that wrapper. At 100 calories, one bar makes a decent-but-small snack. Eat both, as I just did, and suddenly you're in Snickers territory. Being certified

Turn up the spice! The Hot Pepper flavor (with cranberries, wild rice and peppers, says the package) is actually plenty hot. The rice grains are maybe partially cooked, because they're slightly crunchy, chewable. It's unusual. Unlike Tanka's bigger, tastier meat bar  (that's not an euphemism), I couldn't actually identify the cranberry in this. Whatever they use as a skin on this thing is a bit more paper-like than any other I've had. It's got more snap to it than even Macho Man could muster, but brother , I'm yearning for more flavor than just this flat spiciness. It's compressed sawdust with pepper. Maybe I'm expecting too much of a meat stick. Deja Poop Score: 1/10, standard for meat sticks . Dig into this crap at: http://www.dirtyhippiesnacks.com/2016/04/tanka-warrior-buffalo-meat-bar.html

My wife took a sip, and in a sour face said, "That's disgusting." This drink takes all the joy of coconut water, its light creaminess, and replaces it with a combination of tart lemongrass & carbonation with the similar-to-coconut mellow green flavor of cucumber water. It might combine well with vodka or maybe a spiced rum. I don't know if I'd call it disgusting, quite. It does have a certain refreshing quality. But it's so tart that it makes me shudder and the hairs on my neck stand up. The tastes compete with one another and I continually go back to have one more sip. Not so much because I enjoy it, but more out of the morbid curiosity I have for trying to describe its unique, strange combination. Which prompted my wife, "You're still drinking that?" For you, dear reader. For you. But not again. Deja Urine Score: post-coital cloudy. Not recommended for post-coital rehydration unless you hate afterglow. Dig into

These squares kinda have the texture of the center a malted milk ball  (which I guess is why they're "crunchy") and  the same tendency to stick to my teeth. I'm not sure it tastes much like chocolate, but it's alright in a weird way. I can't identify all the flavors, but I've never tasted hemp either, so maybe that's what's floating around in there. It surprised me that, for its lack of significantly satisfying flavor, a serving (10 pieces) provides 23 percent of your recommended daily fat intake. I suppose that makes it a good thing that it's not very appetizing. Deja Poop Score: 4/10. Not as brown as they appear on the package. Reminiscent of dried dog turds cut into cubes. Product info: http://manitobaharvest.com/product/263/Hemp-Heart-Bites-Chocolate-4-oz.html

It's hard to figure out why "Jennies" doesn't have an apostrophe. It's consistently without one on their website, but their About page is blank. Is Jennies a nickname for Jens? Is the Macaroon King of German descent? Is it a simple mistake carried all the way through packaging and website design, and if so, who is Jennie and why is she a king? Grammatical curiosities aside, this snack takes the add-salt-to-chocolate trend and applies it to what must've already been an existing line of macaroons, since the company offers several varieties. Maybe it's too rich and decadent without the salt. Unlike some chocolate-and-sea-salt snacks, the salt is substantial and therefore a bit of a surprise. It's not bad, mind you. I'm just saying most snacks I've tried of that variety pay only lip service to the salt part. Jennies (whoever that is) manages to do it without overdoing it. These are excellent. It was difficult to control myself so I wouldn

These come in several flavors and meat varieties, so I'll break it down: Honey mustard turkey Tastes like old turkey asshole so much that I can't tell if there's any honey or mustard involved. I tried two of these and they both sucked, so it's probably not an issue of batch. They weren't expired either. It's just naturally gross. Chipotle beef & pork  If you eat chili dogs for the high quality chili they scoop out of the can, this is your jam. I enjoyed it, but I also like dirty chili dogs. Thumbs up on the spicy aftertaste, which elevates this slightly above cheap chili dog flavor. Cracked pepper beef & pork Beefy, porky, delicious. Yes yes yes. Would eat again, all day long. Ancho pepper turkey Not bad. Tastes like a meat stick. Would eat again. The problem with turkey may be limited to the honey mustard flavor. BBQ beef The only stick that's just beef, and it is clearly superior to all the others. Beefy. Mild BBQ flavor, on t

Have you ever wanted to eat pineapple without peeling it? Me neither. Dehydrating it first does help, but that doesn't make it good. The edge bits either hurt or get stuck in your teeth. If you eat snacks to make you feel better, this one will fail you. The mango version though is excellent. Lots of flavor, crispy noms. I would eat that alright because it's hard in the U.S. to find good, ripe mangos that actually taste like they're supposed to. Deja poop score: 0 out of 10. Product info: http://www.naturalsinsonline.com/products/crispy-pineapple-chips/ http://www.naturalsinsonline.com/products/crispy-mango-chips/

 It's a good thing I love salt, because this thing is mega salty. Salmon flavor is mild, not offensively pungent. That was definitely a concern before I opened the package: Would my coworkers think I had unfurled a dirty vagina in my cubicle? Thankfully, no. It's a bit of a hard chew, not soft as I expected. The flavors come together very well, so long as you like salty. Very satisfying. The kind of thing you can eat slowly and enjoy. You pretty much have to. It's so salty. Deja poop score: 6 out of 10. It's not a smooth Play Doh Factory extrusion, so the texture brings this score higher in spite of the color mismatch. Product info: http://store.epicbar.com/products/salmon-sea-salt-pepper-bar

Dirty Hippie Red Bull has 25% more sugar than a can of Coke, but it's somehow healthier because it's cane sugar and not corn syrup? (Red Bull uses beet sugar, in slightly lower quantity than Moonshot.) Anyway, this particular flavor tastes like sour apple Jolly Ranchers dissolved in Red Bull, which means it's too candy-sweet and too candy-sour at the same time. Deja poop score: 0, obviously. Deja urine score: Miller 64. It comes out the same, only less carbonated. Product info: http://www.moonshotenergy.com/sour-apple-premium-crafted-energy/

Meat is mmm mmm good. This buffalo beef stick is meaty, duh, and a little sweet and spicy. It's a good flavor combo. The black pepper is not just lip service, it leaves a tingle on your tongue. Big chunks of diced cranberry are scattered throughout the meat bar. Delicious, probably exorbitantly priced. I've tried several of this brand's options and I like them all.  Meat snack advantage: no dirty hippie flavors to cover up. Not a hint of flax in this thing. Deja poop score: 9 out of 10. Still looks like an extruded turd--but so do most meat products like this, even if they're not of the dirty hippie variety. Pieces of cranberry only contribute to the visual. There's another variety with sunflower seeds or something in it. You're better off trying not to think about it. Just cram that beef in your mouth and don't ask questions. Product info: http://www.tankabar.com/cgi-bin/nanf/public/product-onnitbar-intro.cvw

Delicious. Chocolaty, great bite and texture, no weird dirty hippie flavors lingering afterward or hiding behind the chocolate. I'm actually getting through the whole bag, albeit slowly, because 1/2 a cup has 220 calories. Deja poop score: 9 out of 10. These are identical to the old, dried out dog turds I pick up in my yard on a regular basis. Product info: http://www.godairyfree.org/product-reviews/flax4life-flax-snacking-granola

This tastes nothing like coffee. But despite that failure in labeling, it is delicious. Nuts. Honey. Tasty. Highly recommended, though I don't know the price. Deja poop score: 8 out of 10. I'll be seeing you again soon, in a more cylindrical shape. Product info: http://shop.simplesquares.com/coffee/

I had one bite of this thing at 7:45 a.m. It's now 9:15 and I'm still picking goddamn chia seeds out of my teeth. It also tastes nothing like coconut. What a hateful snack. Deja Poop Score: 3/10. The color matches up with the first solid post-food-poisoning plop, but you'd have to have been munching nuts during recovery.

Obvious Deja Poop Score is obvious: 10 out of 10. The resemblance to a butt actively crapping is so precise that it makes me wonder if someone at Dunkin suggested this as a joke and somehow it got by the focus group.

A solid replacement for a traditional chocolate chip cookie. There's a subtle flavor of beans at first, but the sweet and chocolaty flavors take over quickly. I like it. It's dense, more like a granola bar than a cookie, so not suitable for dunking. What surprised me is that just one cookie (the package's contents) is 200 calories. Maybe that's not a lot, but it sure sounds like it. Deja poop score: 4/10. Not being log-shaped definitely helps. Product info: http://www.theyesbar.com/products/macadamia-chocolate-6-pack

It's like eating the inside of an Almond Joy, but with an actual coconut texture and not the weird paste-like consistency. This is delicious. Would eat again. Deja poop score: 0 (no relation) Product info: http://www.fielddayproducts.com/description2?upc=4256360330&category_id=61

There is nothing wrong with dirty hippie jerky. It's made from real meat! I'm glad tofu jerky isn't a thing. But if it exists, and especially if it looks like poop, I will try it. These are my sacrifices to you, dear reader. Product info: http://sweetmeatjerky.com/collections/all