Eat Fresco: Balsamic Glazed Grilled Salmon lunch

You know what's really unexpected? Flavorful salmon and rice orzo prepackaged in a microwavable plate. It's like getting dry gouda in a can of pressurized cheese

My expectations dropped further when I saw the thing make its own hot-air casket. A dead fish was performing sedentary bikram yoga.

But it came out flaky and delicious. It had great texture, the orzo had good bite — it wasn't cooked to mush — and there was nothing weird about it at all. It didn't even fill up the office break room with that much-maligned fishy smell. I got compliments.
It needed salt1, but I'd definitely get another. It's pretty scrumptious.
Deja poop score: 0/10. Not poopy at all.
Fish on via Eat Fresco Foods, at

1 I am a fiend for salt. Food is just a vehicle for sodium chloride.

ChardonayZyn Dried Chardonnay Grapes

This bullshit. This is some bullshit.

"Crunchy superfood snack"? You mean some fucking raisins with pits? Because that's what this is: The exact same flavor as plain old raisins, but with the additional annoyance of having to spit out the goddamn seeds.

Or, you know, crunch them with your teeth—an activity that is only satisfying if you eat glass in your leisure time. I seriously thought there were rocks inside these raisins when I first started, because they look like raisins and I don't expect raisins to have pits.

I don't know that I've had a snack make me so angry before.

Snacks shouldn't be work. I'm grinding my teeth to tear at grape flesh, pushing with my tongue to separate it from the pits.

Antioxidants? Grapes are grapes, asshole. There are no more antioxidants in these "wine grapes" than your regular box of raisins that you can buy for two dollars. You'd have to be a top-shelf moron to spend literally five times as much for a …

Nongshim Shrimp Crackers

One of my co-workers is Korean. To show gratitude for some projects I helped her with, she got me some Korean snacks. These are shrimp crackers, which are apparently a popular salty treat. I dug in.

Upon opening the bag, a wave of fishy ocean scent hit my nose. I was afraid. I knew that smell. You might know it too.

Its texture is remarkably similar to Cheetos, with a taste that's somehow reminiscent of plain Pringles (or, in marketing-speak, "Original Flavor"), even though they're wheat snacks, not potato.

The ingredients list also features ground shrimp, which is news to me. I thought they lived in the water.

But the actual flavor is really mild... right up until you burp. Then the fish-market smell burbles out of your gut like steam from a boiling chum bucket.

Sorry, it's not really gross at all. I just couldn't resist the visual. At most it's a bit unusual, but if you're a fan of seafood it's probably an irrisistible snack.

Deja Poo Score: 0/…

Homemade Tofu Chocolate Mousse

I don't know what the hell silken tofu is. I know it makes for a tart chocolate pudding when blended with chocolate chips and agave.

It also looks like a pile of dogshit diarrhea. I've picked up piles of this out of my neighbors lawns. Or, more accurately, I've used a Dollar Tree plastic bag as a glove and failed to lift most of this retched-smelling brown liquid up from between blades of too-long Saint Augustine grass.

My wife made this. It is delicious. She actually used espresso chocolate chips, so I'm probably a little wired right now. And you know what caffeine does to your bowels.

She also tells me that mousse and pudding are different. Whatever.

You can search the Internet for a recipe or you can improvise your own mix.

Deja Poop Score: 10 out of 10. I'm back, shit lovers.

Kind Bars Dark Chocolate Chili Almond

It's at least a little weird to eat a chocolate-nut bar that's actually spicy. The spice doesn't come in right away, so it gives a sense of security—like it's just a plain ol' chocolate-nut bar held together by caramel, and the chili claim is just marketing noise. Sweet, crunchy, sticks to your teeth.

But a good 10 seconds into chewing a bite, the spice suddenly says hello. It's potent! The fact that the sweet and spicy flavors come and go at different times make this bar a really satisfying experience.

I want another one.

Deja Poop Score: 4/10. Extremely nutty.

Chomp on the choco-nut at:

Nutty Goodness Espress Yourself Fruit and Nut Bites

I think they gave this flavor such a tiredname because they use espresso in the mix with whatever else they press together to form this vegan imitation-jerky. It's also clear by their other flavor names ("Nana Rama," "Berry Good") that they have a preference for '80s synth pop and lack creativity. They're not referencing NWA or Mahesh Babu.

I'm glad they don't try to call this beef jerky, even though it seems it's trying to look like the stuff or act as a replacement. It is not, and it doesn't have the protein content to even begin pretending.

It is, however, halfway decent fruit leather—albeit with a typical-hippie grainy texture. Maybe that's the espresso. It's not particularly chewy. Not a satisfying bite. The nuts embedded give no resistance.

The bag tells me to take back the snack. I'm not sure these pressed-date triangles would be an effective fighter in the wars over food supremacy. They lack diversity of flavor or te…

Gem City Fine Foods Marble Brownie

My wife suggested heating this thing in the microwave for 20-25 seconds. I did. Once warm, it fell apart the moment I touched it. Naturally, this made it difficult to eat. Any time I tried to pick up a piece that appeared to be a unified hunk of brownie, I was grossly disappointed as it crumbled apart between my fingers.

It held together a little better after it cooled, but the damage was done. It was moist in a disconcerting way.

This brownie is very rich, and the marbled caramel section is tasty. Shame that it has that grainy texture typical of gluten-free cakes.

Gluten holds shit together. Keep your gluten, people. If you're gonna sacrifice your desserts to the health food gods, go all the way. Eat some fucking kale.

It's a goddamned dessert. It's not supposed to be good for you, and this thing, even without gluten, is no exception.

Deja Poop Score 9/10. It's called a "brownie" for a reason. Hopefully yours aren't rectangular.

What can brown can do fo…