Dirty Hippie Snacks

This bullshit. This is some bullshit. "Crunchy superfood snack"? You mean some fucking raisins with pits? Because that's what this is: The exact same flavor as plain old raisins, but with the additional annoyance of having to spit out the goddamn seeds. Or, you know, crunch them with your teeth—an activity that is only satisfying if you eat glass in your leisure time. I seriously thought there were rocks inside these raisins when I first started, because they look like raisins and I don't expect raisins to have pits. I don't know that I've had a snack make me so angry before. Snacks shouldn't be work. I'm grinding my teeth to tear at grape flesh, pushing with my tongue to separate it from the pits. Antioxidants? Grapes are grapes, asshole. There are no more antioxidants in these "wine grapes" than your regular box of raisins that you can buy for two dollars . You'd have to be a top-shelf moron to spend literally five times a...

Have you ever wanted to eat pineapple without peeling it? Me neither. Dehydrating it first does help, but that doesn't make it good. The edge bits either hurt or get stuck in your teeth. If you eat snacks to make you feel better, this one will fail you. The mango version though is excellent. Lots of flavor, crispy noms. I would eat that alright because it's hard in the U.S. to find good, ripe mangos that actually taste like they're supposed to. Deja poop score: 0 out of 10. Product info: http://www.naturalsinsonline.com/products/crispy-pineapple-chips/ http://www.naturalsinsonline.com/products/crispy-mango-chips/

It tastes like ripe mango, which is hard to find in US grocery stores. It chews somewhere between beef jerky and fruit leather. It's delicious. Deja poop score: 4 out of 10: Scrape baby turds into flat pieces and dry them. Product info: http://peeledsnacks.com/snack/much-ado-about-mango/

It's a vegan cookie, but it's still a cookie. A large one. This sucker packs 440 calories into you if you eat the whole thing. Tastes good, though. I'm personally not crazy about soft cookies, but I like the bite of ginger in it. Pairs well with coffee, maybe better with chai. That ginger flavor makes what would be a rich, heavy treat into something that at least tastes lighter. Deja Poop Score: 3/10.

This looks like a bar of epoxy that you'd use to patch leaky pipes. The color is so uniform and the texture so smooth, it's a little unnerving. It bears the marks of the machine that spits it out, which I don't mind. Reminds you from where it came. Terrible bite. It feels like chewing on a bar of epoxy putty, and probably uses a similar process to make. There's soft resistance, then it pulls away and becomes mush, then grainy. It's better if you crumble bits off by hand. The flavor is ok, albeit fairly singular. Lemon and cashew is not a combination I would've expected, but it works. Nutty and lemony, but not salty or tart. Update: Trying this a second time almost a year later and it also tastes like epoxy. Would not eat again. Deja Poop Score: 7/10. Product info: https://risebar.com/shop/protein-bars/lemon-cashew-protein-bars/