Dirty Hippie Snacks

My wife suggested heating this thing in the microwave for 20-25 seconds. I did. Once warm, it fell apart the moment I touched it. Naturally, this made it difficult to eat. Any time I tried to pick up a piece that appeared to be a unified hunk of brownie, I was grossly disappointed as it crumbled apart between my fingers. It held together a little better after it cooled, but the damage was done. It was moist in a disconcerting way. This brownie is very rich, and the marbled caramel section is tasty. Shame that it has that grainy texture typical of gluten-free cakes. Gluten holds shit together. Keep your gluten, people. If you're gonna sacrifice your desserts to the health food gods, go all the way. Eat some fucking kale. It's a goddamned dessert. It's not supposed to be good for you, and this thing, even without gluten, is no exception. Deja Poop Score 9/10. It's called a "brownie" for a reason. Hopefully yours aren't rectangular. What can br...

Look, I'm not the one who makes up the names for these things. If "Amy's Andy's Dandy Candy Crispy Candy Bar" is tough to parse, that's not my fault. Blame Amy and/or her kitchen  for the overabundance of possessives and adjectives. I would explain it all for you, but I have candy to eat and poop comparisons to make. I'm a busy man. This is a candy bar, so it suffers none of the difficulties of protein bars . Meaning it's not difficult to make it look good and taste good. The dark chocolate exterior is mild to moderate: not too bitter, not too sweet. There's enough cocoa content to retain that good dark-chocolate scent. They hit a tasty balance for a candy bar. What I assume is a mix of rice and almond bits in the middle provide a satisfying crunch. There are two individual bars in that wrapper. At 100 calories, one bar makes a decent-but-small snack. Eat both, as I just did, and suddenly you're in Snickers territory. Being certified...