Dirty Hippie Snacks

I appreciate that this Zing company doesn't bullshit you on serving size  to make the nutrition facts label look good. They also say it's vegan, organic ingredients, blah blah blah I eat meat and I regularly inhale tetrachloroethylene so I don't give a shit. This bar smells like chocolate and chews like coconut plus a little crunch, so it's truth in advertising. It has all the hallmarks of a candy bar, but unlike some liars parading junk food as hippie goodness , this actually looks hippie legit. It's a bit of grainy as you chew, but it's tasty as hell, so I'll forgive that for the fact that it's got as much protein and more fiber compared to  a protein bar that leaves chia seeds stuck in your teeth all goddamn day . Seriously, this thing is pretty good. Would eat again. Deja Poop Score: 4/10. Standard chocolate bar resemblance, but not significantly turdlike . Gnaw on this log at: http://www.zingbars.com/12-bars-of-chocolate-coconut/

Look, I'm not the one who makes up the names for these things. If "Amy's Andy's Dandy Candy Crispy Candy Bar" is tough to parse, that's not my fault. Blame Amy and/or her kitchen  for the overabundance of possessives and adjectives. I would explain it all for you, but I have candy to eat and poop comparisons to make. I'm a busy man. This is a candy bar, so it suffers none of the difficulties of protein bars . Meaning it's not difficult to make it look good and taste good. The dark chocolate exterior is mild to moderate: not too bitter, not too sweet. There's enough cocoa content to retain that good dark-chocolate scent. They hit a tasty balance for a candy bar. What I assume is a mix of rice and almond bits in the middle provide a satisfying crunch. There are two individual bars in that wrapper. At 100 calories, one bar makes a decent-but-small snack. Eat both, as I just did, and suddenly you're in Snickers territory. Being certified...

These squares kinda have the texture of the center a malted milk ball  (which I guess is why they're "crunchy") and  the same tendency to stick to my teeth. I'm not sure it tastes much like chocolate, but it's alright in a weird way. I can't identify all the flavors, but I've never tasted hemp either, so maybe that's what's floating around in there. It surprised me that, for its lack of significantly satisfying flavor, a serving (10 pieces) provides 23 percent of your recommended daily fat intake. I suppose that makes it a good thing that it's not very appetizing. Deja Poop Score: 4/10. Not as brown as they appear on the package. Reminiscent of dried dog turds cut into cubes. Product info: http://manitobaharvest.com/product/263/Hemp-Heart-Bites-Chocolate-4-oz.html

A solid replacement for a traditional chocolate chip cookie. There's a subtle flavor of beans at first, but the sweet and chocolaty flavors take over quickly. I like it. It's dense, more like a granola bar than a cookie, so not suitable for dunking. What surprised me is that just one cookie (the package's contents) is 200 calories. Maybe that's not a lot, but it sure sounds like it. Deja poop score: 4/10. Not being log-shaped definitely helps. Product info: http://www.theyesbar.com/products/macadamia-chocolate-6-pack

It tastes like ripe mango, which is hard to find in US grocery stores. It chews somewhere between beef jerky and fruit leather. It's delicious. Deja poop score: 4 out of 10: Scrape baby turds into flat pieces and dry them. Product info: http://peeledsnacks.com/snack/much-ado-about-mango/