Dirty Hippie Snacks

This is a gross snack, but not in a way I can quite pinpoint. It's not that the spicy flavor is bad or that the texture is wrong. What's wrong with it is that it kind of tastes like it was fried in rancid oil. Maybe their industrial fryers need more frequent cleaning. Regardless the problem, it's not limited to this flavor. I previously tried their Curry Crunch and had that same uncertain-but-unsettling flavor. It might be musty, it might be sick-sweet, but it's definitely not spicy and not potato. The container does call it an "exotic healthy snack." I don't know if "vaguely like sauna ass" qualifies as exotic, but I guess it's probably healthy. Except no, there's almost nothing redeeming on the nutrition facts label. Lots of fat, lots of salt, not a whole lot of anything else. If you like shoestring potatoes, you'll hate these. Deja Poop Score: 0/10. Crunch on this junk at: http://www.zouq.com/fiery-sticks/

Look, I'm not the one who makes up the names for these things. If "Amy's Andy's Dandy Candy Crispy Candy Bar" is tough to parse, that's not my fault. Blame Amy and/or her kitchen  for the overabundance of possessives and adjectives. I would explain it all for you, but I have candy to eat and poop comparisons to make. I'm a busy man. This is a candy bar, so it suffers none of the difficulties of protein bars . Meaning it's not difficult to make it look good and taste good. The dark chocolate exterior is mild to moderate: not too bitter, not too sweet. There's enough cocoa content to retain that good dark-chocolate scent. They hit a tasty balance for a candy bar. What I assume is a mix of rice and almond bits in the middle provide a satisfying crunch. There are two individual bars in that wrapper. At 100 calories, one bar makes a decent-but-small snack. Eat both, as I just did, and suddenly you're in Snickers territory. Being certified...

These squares kinda have the texture of the center a malted milk ball  (which I guess is why they're "crunchy") and  the same tendency to stick to my teeth. I'm not sure it tastes much like chocolate, but it's alright in a weird way. I can't identify all the flavors, but I've never tasted hemp either, so maybe that's what's floating around in there. It surprised me that, for its lack of significantly satisfying flavor, a serving (10 pieces) provides 23 percent of your recommended daily fat intake. I suppose that makes it a good thing that it's not very appetizing. Deja Poop Score: 4/10. Not as brown as they appear on the package. Reminiscent of dried dog turds cut into cubes. Product info: http://manitobaharvest.com/product/263/Hemp-Heart-Bites-Chocolate-4-oz.html

This "exotic healthy snack" tastes of soy sauce combined with rancid mustard. Can mustard go rancid? That's what I imagine Rancid Mustard Chex Mix would taste like. Alarming at first, and second, and never stops. Product info: http://www.zouq.com/product/curry-crunch-can/