Dirty Hippie Snacks

Here's a series of rabbit turds I can't make my mind up about. The barbeque fava crisps are my favorite, with the crunchiest and most satisfying texture and least-dog-food-like flavor ( ask me how I know ). All of these have that same undertone, though the fava BBQ masks it the best. The peas turn into a fine sand after chewing it a while, and that texture lingers in your mouth. As the flavor layer dissolves into your saliva, the pea-sand remains, which is how that dog food flavor rises to the surface. Disregarding that, I think the ranch is my favorite for initial flavor. Fun fact: When I was a kid, I lived around the corner from someone with a " Visualize Whirled Peas " bumper sticker on their car. I never met the owner, but I saw it every time I walked to school. I remember reading it a few times until I finally said it out loud and understood. I'm not sure if I loved puns before then, but it was definitely a satisfying moment when I got the joke. ...

I had one bite of this thing at 7:45 a.m. It's now 9:15 and I'm still picking goddamn chia seeds out of my teeth. It also tastes nothing like coconut. What a hateful snack. Deja Poop Score: 3/10. The color matches up with the first solid post-food-poisoning plop, but you'd have to have been munching nuts during recovery.

There is nothing wrong with dirty hippie jerky. It's made from real meat! I'm glad tofu jerky isn't a thing. But if it exists, and especially if it looks like poop, I will try it. These are my sacrifices to you, dear reader. Product info: http://sweetmeatjerky.com/collections/all

It's a vegan cookie, but it's still a cookie. A large one. This sucker packs 440 calories into you if you eat the whole thing. Tastes good, though. I'm personally not crazy about soft cookies, but I like the bite of ginger in it. Pairs well with coffee, maybe better with chai. That ginger flavor makes what would be a rich, heavy treat into something that at least tastes lighter. Deja Poop Score: 3/10.