Dirty Hippie Snacks

This bullshit. This is some bullshit. "Crunchy superfood snack"? You mean some fucking raisins with pits? Because that's what this is: The exact same flavor as plain old raisins, but with the additional annoyance of having to spit out the goddamn seeds. Or, you know, crunch them with your teeth—an activity that is only satisfying if you eat glass in your leisure time. I seriously thought there were rocks inside these raisins when I first started, because they look like raisins and I don't expect raisins to have pits. I don't know that I've had a snack make me so angry before. Snacks shouldn't be work. I'm grinding my teeth to tear at grape flesh, pushing with my tongue to separate it from the pits. Antioxidants? Grapes are grapes, asshole. There are no more antioxidants in these "wine grapes" than your regular box of raisins that you can buy for two dollars . You'd have to be a top-shelf moron to spend literally five times a...

My wife suggested heating this thing in the microwave for 20-25 seconds. I did. Once warm, it fell apart the moment I touched it. Naturally, this made it difficult to eat. Any time I tried to pick up a piece that appeared to be a unified hunk of brownie, I was grossly disappointed as it crumbled apart between my fingers. It held together a little better after it cooled, but the damage was done. It was moist in a disconcerting way. This brownie is very rich, and the marbled caramel section is tasty. Shame that it has that grainy texture typical of gluten-free cakes. Gluten holds shit together. Keep your gluten, people. If you're gonna sacrifice your desserts to the health food gods, go all the way. Eat some fucking kale. It's a goddamned dessert. It's not supposed to be good for you, and this thing, even without gluten, is no exception. Deja Poop Score 9/10. It's called a "brownie" for a reason. Hopefully yours aren't rectangular. What can br...

This week's update is a day late and a dollar sho—actually, I get paid the same zero dollars for updating this site, so while pay rate and value equations (dollars per post) both calculate undefined, we can take the limit as "dollars" approaches zero to determine that yes, indeed, my time and yours are both worthless.

I've started riding mountain bike trails a lot lately. I live in Florida, so please interpret "mountain" loosely. There aren't huge climbs or fast downhills, but there are plenty of difficult, technical trails around here to challenge your skills. Anyway. A fellow rider offered me an energy gel product recently, so I thought I'd see what my wife could get me in a dirty hippie variety. Not because I particularly care about being a dirty hippie, but because I'm curious and she gets a mega discount for being The Boss Lady. This Vega Sport Endurance Gel has been in our pantry for a long time. Months? Not sure. It has no dates printed on the thing. Judging by the graphics, it must have existed as a product no earlier than 2008. So. I have the Orange Zest flavor, and surprisingly enough, it's not a generic citrus flavor or frozen concentrate orange juice taste. It actually tastes like actual orange zest, which is kind of cool (in an earthy sort ...

Meat is mmm mmm good. This buffalo beef stick is meaty, duh, and a little sweet and spicy. It's a good flavor combo. The black pepper is not just lip service, it leaves a tingle on your tongue. Big chunks of diced cranberry are scattered throughout the meat bar. Delicious, probably exorbitantly priced. I've tried several of this brand's options and I like them all.  Meat snack advantage: no dirty hippie flavors to cover up. Not a hint of flax in this thing. Deja poop score: 9 out of 10. Still looks like an extruded turd--but so do most meat products like this, even if they're not of the dirty hippie variety. Pieces of cranberry only contribute to the visual. There's another variety with sunflower seeds or something in it. You're better off trying not to think about it. Just cram that beef in your mouth and don't ask questions. Product info: http://www.tankabar.com/cgi-bin/nanf/public/product-onnitbar-intro.cvw

Delicious. Chocolaty, great bite and texture, no weird dirty hippie flavors lingering afterward or hiding behind the chocolate. I'm actually getting through the whole bag, albeit slowly, because 1/2 a cup has 220 calories. Deja poop score: 9 out of 10. These are identical to the old, dried out dog turds I pick up in my yard on a regular basis. Product info: http://www.godairyfree.org/product-reviews/flax4life-flax-snacking-granola

A colleague gave me a couple of these Macaw Bars to try. You can order custom flavors on the company's website, but this I think is one of their regular ones: "coconut husk." It's more dry and crumbly than most other bars. I understand most hippie bar makers use date paste to get the stuff to stick together. This one doesn't do that, so the flavors of the individual ingredients really pop (at the expense of it kind of falling apart in your hands). No compliments on the looks, but it is delicious. It doesn't taste like it's trying to hide flax or other typical dirty hippie flavors. Deja Poop Score: 9/10. Product info: http://www.raawmacaw.com/coconut-husk-energy-bars

A slick, shiny turd came out of this package, but I guess I shouldn't be surprised. There's a turd-shaped dollop of peanut butter depicted on the wrapper, warning you of what's inside.  Once I got over the initial visual revulsion, it actually tasted good. The texture is slightly grainy/sandy in the way that most peanut butter based bars are, but it's hard to go wrong with PB & chocolate. Deja Poop Score: 9/10. Squeeze this turd between your fingers at: http://www.rawrev.com/#!raw-rev-glo-peanut-butter-dark-chocolate/c30t