Dirty Hippie Snacks

This week's update is a day late and a dollar sho—actually, I get paid the same zero dollars for updating this site, so while pay rate and value equations (dollars per post) both calculate undefined, we can take the limit as "dollars" approaches zero to determine that yes, indeed, my time and yours are both worthless.

This is a gross snack, but not in a way I can quite pinpoint. It's not that the spicy flavor is bad or that the texture is wrong. What's wrong with it is that it kind of tastes like it was fried in rancid oil. Maybe their industrial fryers need more frequent cleaning. Regardless the problem, it's not limited to this flavor. I previously tried their Curry Crunch and had that same uncertain-but-unsettling flavor. It might be musty, it might be sick-sweet, but it's definitely not spicy and not potato. The container does call it an "exotic healthy snack." I don't know if "vaguely like sauna ass" qualifies as exotic, but I guess it's probably healthy. Except no, there's almost nothing redeeming on the nutrition facts label. Lots of fat, lots of salt, not a whole lot of anything else. If you like shoestring potatoes, you'll hate these. Deja Poop Score: 0/10. Crunch on this junk at: http://www.zouq.com/fiery-sticks/

I appreciate that this Zing company doesn't bullshit you on serving size  to make the nutrition facts label look good. They also say it's vegan, organic ingredients, blah blah blah I eat meat and I regularly inhale tetrachloroethylene so I don't give a shit. This bar smells like chocolate and chews like coconut plus a little crunch, so it's truth in advertising. It has all the hallmarks of a candy bar, but unlike some liars parading junk food as hippie goodness , this actually looks hippie legit. It's a bit of grainy as you chew, but it's tasty as hell, so I'll forgive that for the fact that it's got as much protein and more fiber compared to  a protein bar that leaves chia seeds stuck in your teeth all goddamn day . Seriously, this thing is pretty good. Would eat again. Deja Poop Score: 4/10. Standard chocolate bar resemblance, but not significantly turdlike . Gnaw on this log at: http://www.zingbars.com/12-bars-of-chocolate-coconut/

Why do companies keep trying to improve on chocolate? Chocolate is delicious. It doesn't need improving. Chocolate leather, on the other hand, is a sticky, miserable mess that's more like a taffy or Airheads candy and doesn't really resemble fruit leather at all. I can't find any website or other source of information on this weird product except for a handful of sites that tout it as a " new option for Kosher chocolate lovers ." I can only assume that "chocolate lover" is Hebrew for " shit eater ." It sticks to its own wrapper, so it's hard to unwrap. It's like the turd itself is warning you: Do Not Eat. Place Directly In Toilet . My wife likens the mouth feel to eating chips while chewing gum. Bits get stuck in the gum and it becomes a grainy, unpleasant wad. She held up a leather strap by the end and it drooped "like a limp dick." Deja Poop Score: Am I allowed to give it an 11? Sorry, no. It's 2016 and I