Dirty Hippie Snacks

I appreciate that this Zing company doesn't bullshit you on serving size  to make the nutrition facts label look good. They also say it's vegan, organic ingredients, blah blah blah I eat meat and I regularly inhale tetrachloroethylene so I don't give a shit. This bar smells like chocolate and chews like coconut plus a little crunch, so it's truth in advertising. It has all the hallmarks of a candy bar, but unlike some liars parading junk food as hippie goodness , this actually looks hippie legit. It's a bit of grainy as you chew, but it's tasty as hell, so I'll forgive that for the fact that it's got as much protein and more fiber compared to  a protein bar that leaves chia seeds stuck in your teeth all goddamn day . Seriously, this thing is pretty good. Would eat again. Deja Poop Score: 4/10. Standard chocolate bar resemblance, but not significantly turdlike . Gnaw on this log at: http://www.zingbars.com/12-bars-of-chocolate-coconut/

This tastes nothing like coffee. But despite that failure in labeling, it is delicious. Nuts. Honey. Tasty. Highly recommended, though I don't know the price. Deja poop score: 8 out of 10. I'll be seeing you again soon, in a more cylindrical shape. Product info: http://shop.simplesquares.com/coffee/

I don't know what a "health warrior" would do with a hard almond rectangle except attempt to bludgeon her enemies with it. Ingredients include an "Ancient Grain Blend (chia, oats, organic quinoa)" which is as good at tripping the Marketing Bullshit Meter as it is at getting stuck in your teeth. Maybe your teeth are better than mine. The flavor is inoffensive, but contains no joy. Keep gnawing on that misery brick, hippie health warrior. Deja poop score: 4 plops out of 5. Product info: http://www.healthwarrior.com/products/honey-almond/ Same story as above, except this one actually tastes alright. Dark chocolate and coconut makes a good combo. Would eat again. Deja poop score: 8 plops out of 10 (still looks like a turd). Product info: http://www.healthwarrior.com/products/dark-chocolate-coconut-sea-salt/

This looks like a bar of epoxy that you'd use to patch leaky pipes. The color is so uniform and the texture so smooth, it's a little unnerving. It bears the marks of the machine that spits it out, which I don't mind. Reminds you from where it came. Terrible bite. It feels like chewing on a bar of epoxy putty, and probably uses a similar process to make. There's soft resistance, then it pulls away and becomes mush, then grainy. It's better if you crumble bits off by hand. The flavor is ok, albeit fairly singular. Lemon and cashew is not a combination I would've expected, but it works. Nutty and lemony, but not salty or tart. Update: Trying this a second time almost a year later and it also tastes like epoxy. Would not eat again. Deja Poop Score: 7/10. Product info: https://risebar.com/shop/protein-bars/lemon-cashew-protein-bars/

A slick, shiny turd came out of this package, but I guess I shouldn't be surprised. There's a turd-shaped dollop of peanut butter depicted on the wrapper, warning you of what's inside.  Once I got over the initial visual revulsion, it actually tasted good. The texture is slightly grainy/sandy in the way that most peanut butter based bars are, but it's hard to go wrong with PB & chocolate. Deja Poop Score: 9/10. Squeeze this turd between your fingers at: http://www.rawrev.com/#!raw-rev-glo-peanut-butter-dark-chocolate/c30t

The color of pressed baby shit, the flavor of dry dog food. Seriously, I ate dog food once as a kid. A lot of it. That memory came rushing back when I took a bite. Product info: http://www.greensplus.com/plusbar-protein-natural/

These chocolate flavored organic protein bars always always always look like a flattened turd. Who's market testing this shit? Product info: http://organicfoodbar.com/products/organic-food-bartm-68g/belgium-chocolate-chip/