Dirty Hippie Snacks

Look, I get that it's the cool thing to use "artisan" in your product literature these days, but this is a rectangle of nuts unceremoniously cut, like a bar of soap, from a much bigger rectangle of same. "Artisan crafted" in this case just means, at best, that "a human with a recipe poured ingredients into the form and later cut the thing into smaller pieces." You're not a blacksmith or a cooper or a tanner or a gunsmith or a stonemason. Drop the bullshit. Anyway, I like coconut, and this tastes like coconut. Unlike other mostly-nut bars, whatever sticky stuff they use to hold it all together is satisfyingly compliant. It's not an impenetrable brick. It's sweet, tasty, doesn't stick to your teeth, and doesn't have the grainy texture of many protein bars. I'm a big fan of our national parks, so I appreciate that they support the National Parks Foundation. The packaging is attractive. Each flavor features a picture and so...

I appreciate that this Zing company doesn't bullshit you on serving size  to make the nutrition facts label look good. They also say it's vegan, organic ingredients, blah blah blah I eat meat and I regularly inhale tetrachloroethylene so I don't give a shit. This bar smells like chocolate and chews like coconut plus a little crunch, so it's truth in advertising. It has all the hallmarks of a candy bar, but unlike some liars parading junk food as hippie goodness , this actually looks hippie legit. It's a bit of grainy as you chew, but it's tasty as hell, so I'll forgive that for the fact that it's got as much protein and more fiber compared to  a protein bar that leaves chia seeds stuck in your teeth all goddamn day . Seriously, this thing is pretty good. Would eat again. Deja Poop Score: 4/10. Standard chocolate bar resemblance, but not significantly turdlike . Gnaw on this log at: http://www.zingbars.com/12-bars-of-chocolate-coconut/

My wife took a sip, and in a sour face said, "That's disgusting." This drink takes all the joy of coconut water, its light creaminess, and replaces it with a combination of tart lemongrass & carbonation with the similar-to-coconut mellow green flavor of cucumber water. It might combine well with vodka or maybe a spiced rum. I don't know if I'd call it disgusting, quite. It does have a certain refreshing quality. But it's so tart that it makes me shudder and the hairs on my neck stand up. The tastes compete with one another and I continually go back to have one more sip. Not so much because I enjoy it, but more out of the morbid curiosity I have for trying to describe its unique, strange combination. Which prompted my wife, "You're still drinking that?" For you, dear reader. For you. But not again. Deja Urine Score: post-coital cloudy. Not recommended for post-coital rehydration unless you hate afterglow. Dig into ...

It's like eating the inside of an Almond Joy, but with an actual coconut texture and not the weird paste-like consistency. This is delicious. Would eat again. Deja poop score: 0 (no relation) Product info: http://www.fielddayproducts.com/description2?upc=4256360330&category_id=61

A colleague gave me a couple of these Macaw Bars to try. You can order custom flavors on the company's website, but this I think is one of their regular ones: "coconut husk." It's more dry and crumbly than most other bars. I understand most hippie bar makers use date paste to get the stuff to stick together. This one doesn't do that, so the flavors of the individual ingredients really pop (at the expense of it kind of falling apart in your hands). No compliments on the looks, but it is delicious. It doesn't taste like it's trying to hide flax or other typical dirty hippie flavors. Deja Poop Score: 9/10. Product info: http://www.raawmacaw.com/coconut-husk-energy-bars