Dirty Hippie Snacks

You know what's really unexpected? Flavorful salmon and rice orzo prepackaged in a microwavable plate. It's like getting dry gouda in a can of pressurized cheese .  My expectations dropped further when I saw the thing make its own hot-air casket. A dead fish was performing sedentary bikram yoga. But it came out flaky and delicious. It had great texture, the orzo had good bite — it wasn't cooked to mush — and there was nothing weird about it at all. It didn't even fill up the office break room with that much-maligned fishy smell. I got compliments. It needed salt 1 , but I'd definitely get another. It's pretty scrumptious. Deja poop score: 0/10. Not poopy at all. Fish on via Eat Fresco Foods, at  http://eatfrescofoods.com/products/balsamic-glazed-grilled-salmon/ 1  I am a fiend for salt. Food is just a vehicle for sodium chloride.

One of my co-workers is Korean. To show gratitude for some projects I helped her with, she got me some Korean snacks. These are shrimp crackers, which are apparently a popular salty treat. I dug in. Upon opening the bag, a wave of fishy ocean scent hit my nose. I was afraid. I knew that smell. You might know it too. Its texture is remarkably similar to Cheetos, with a taste that's somehow reminiscent of plain Pringles (or, in marketing-speak, "Original Flavor"), even though they're wheat snacks, not potato. The ingredients list also features ground shrimp, which is news to me. I thought they lived in the water . But the actual flavor is really mild... right up until you burp. Then the fish-market smell burbles out of your gut like steam from a boiling chum bucket. Sorry, it's not really gross at all. I just couldn't resist the visual. At most it's a bit unusual, but if you're a fan of seafood it's probably an irrisistible snack. D...

This is a single-serving pickle for you to snack on . They recommend serving chilled. If you've ever eaten room-temperature pickles before, you already know why. Lukewarm pickles are weird. It's also weird to suggest "serving" a pickle in a bag. You don't serve this. You eat it. Alone. Just you and the salt. Together at last. When I was a kid, I loved tomatoes because I could pour lots of salt (or soy sauce, which is basically a brown salt-delivery liquid) on them. I don't remember having pickles in rural Brazil at the time. When I discovered pickles, I was all about 'em. It's a vegetable with the salt already in it. Perfection. You can send those sweet pickle abominations  straight to hell. This pickle meets my savory standards, and delivers on the hot-and-spicy promise. It hits the right balance of not being too spicy but still giving plenty of that tingle on your lips. This is way the hell better than those miserable  Mt. Olive/Texas Pet...

These gummies aren't a typical Dirty Hippie Snack because they make no claims about being healthy or any such thing. It's just a stoner snack. It contains red 40, corn syrup, and pretty much everything else typical Dirty Hippies hate. My wife's store won't carry marijuana-related edibles to begin with (these are indeed legal), but even if they did, the total lack of health-anything in it means you'll never see it in her store. But not all stoners are hippies, and stoners will consume anything that even looks like a pot leaf.  I looked up CBD (which this thing is "100% infused" with, though it's not clear what the 100% refers to). That's cannabidiol, which Wikipedia says no psychoactive effects. Seeing that, I figured when the package said it "may cause drowsiness" and "do not exceed 1-2 per hour," (apparently they don't know what "do not exceed" means) it was just hype and bullshit meant to sell expensive ca...

These sticks hardly look like poop at all. But they are deliciously beefy and salty, somewhere between eating an uncooked hot dog and a stick of cured sausage. That's meant to be a compliment. Sorry.

This is a gross snack, but not in a way I can quite pinpoint. It's not that the spicy flavor is bad or that the texture is wrong. What's wrong with it is that it kind of tastes like it was fried in rancid oil. Maybe their industrial fryers need more frequent cleaning. Regardless the problem, it's not limited to this flavor. I previously tried their Curry Crunch and had that same uncertain-but-unsettling flavor. It might be musty, it might be sick-sweet, but it's definitely not spicy and not potato. The container does call it an "exotic healthy snack." I don't know if "vaguely like sauna ass" qualifies as exotic, but I guess it's probably healthy. Except no, there's almost nothing redeeming on the nutrition facts label. Lots of fat, lots of salt, not a whole lot of anything else. If you like shoestring potatoes, you'll hate these. Deja Poop Score: 0/10. Crunch on this junk at: http://www.zouq.com/fiery-sticks/

Have you ever wanted to eat pineapple without peeling it? Me neither. Dehydrating it first does help, but that doesn't make it good. The edge bits either hurt or get stuck in your teeth. If you eat snacks to make you feel better, this one will fail you. The mango version though is excellent. Lots of flavor, crispy noms. I would eat that alright because it's hard in the U.S. to find good, ripe mangos that actually taste like they're supposed to. Deja poop score: 0 out of 10. Product info: http://www.naturalsinsonline.com/products/crispy-pineapple-chips/ http://www.naturalsinsonline.com/products/crispy-mango-chips/

Dirty Hippie Red Bull has 25% more sugar than a can of Coke, but it's somehow healthier because it's cane sugar and not corn syrup? (Red Bull uses beet sugar, in slightly lower quantity than Moonshot.) Anyway, this particular flavor tastes like sour apple Jolly Ranchers dissolved in Red Bull, which means it's too candy-sweet and too candy-sour at the same time. Deja poop score: 0, obviously. Deja urine score: Miller 64. It comes out the same, only less carbonated. Product info: http://www.moonshotenergy.com/sour-apple-premium-crafted-energy/

It's like eating the inside of an Almond Joy, but with an actual coconut texture and not the weird paste-like consistency. This is delicious. Would eat again. Deja poop score: 0 (no relation) Product info: http://www.fielddayproducts.com/description2?upc=4256360330&category_id=61