Dirty Hippie Snacks

I don't know what a "health warrior" would do with a hard almond rectangle except attempt to bludgeon her enemies with it. Ingredients include an "Ancient Grain Blend (chia, oats, organic quinoa)" which is as good at tripping the Marketing Bullshit Meter as it is at getting stuck in your teeth. Maybe your teeth are better than mine. The flavor is inoffensive, but contains no joy. Keep gnawing on that misery brick, hippie health warrior. Deja poop score: 4 plops out of 5. Product info: http://www.healthwarrior.com/products/honey-almond/ Same story as above, except this one actually tastes alright. Dark chocolate and coconut makes a good combo. Would eat again. Deja poop score: 8 plops out of 10 (still looks like a turd). Product info: http://www.healthwarrior.com/products/dark-chocolate-coconut-sea-salt/

I don't know what it means to be "double certified organic," but it sounds like at least single-dose bullshit. Never mind the size ("organic" produce--it's all still carbon based, so the term is dubious to begin with--is usually smaller than other produce) but these soft green seeds look nothing like what I expected or what they display on the package. It also doesn't have the crunch of roasted pumpkin seeds as I know them. The taste is alright, similar to dried peas or sunflower seeds I think, but the spicy flavoring is very unevenly applied. Each bite varies between very spicy and not at all. I was looking for a snack tonight and am eating a packet of Aldi brand trail mix instead. Product info: http://www.edenfoods.com/store/spicy-pumpkin-seeds-tamari-dry-roasted-organic.html

It tastes like ripe mango, which is hard to find in US grocery stores. It chews somewhere between beef jerky and fruit leather. It's delicious. Deja poop score: 4 out of 10: Scrape baby turds into flat pieces and dry them. Product info: http://peeledsnacks.com/snack/much-ado-about-mango/

Dirty Hippie Snacks: Protein/Breakfast/Meal Powder/Shake Mix Edition. There are a lot of these and they're very similar, so I'll keep it simple. I'm sampling a variety to choose a winning easy breakfast, so these will also get an accept/reject rating. The vanilla chai flavor is fine, totally drinkable. Very grainy texture though. Reject. The mixture does kind of look like diarrhea. Product info is somewhere in here: http://www.bluebonnetnutrition.com/products

This "exotic healthy snack" tastes of soy sauce combined with rancid mustard. Can mustard go rancid? That's what I imagine Rancid Mustard Chex Mix would taste like. Alarming at first, and second, and never stops. Product info: http://www.zouq.com/product/curry-crunch-can/

It's a vegan cookie, but it's still a cookie. A large one. This sucker packs 440 calories into you if you eat the whole thing. Tastes good, though. I'm personally not crazy about soft cookies, but I like the bite of ginger in it. Pairs well with coffee, maybe better with chai. That ginger flavor makes what would be a rich, heavy treat into something that at least tastes lighter. Deja Poop Score: 3/10.