Kind Bars Dark Chocolate Chili Almond

It's at least a little weird to eat a chocolate-nut bar that's actually spicy. The spice doesn't come in right away, so it gives a sense of security—like it's just a plain ol' chocolate-nut bar held together by caramel, and the chili claim is just marketing noise. Sweet, crunchy, sticks to your teeth.

But a good 10 seconds into chewing a bite, the spice suddenly says hello. It's potent! The fact that the sweet and spicy flavors come and go at different times make this bar a really satisfying experience.

I want another one.

Deja Poop Score: 4/10. Extremely nutty.

Chomp on the choco-nut at:

Nutty Goodness Espress Yourself Fruit and Nut Bites

I think they gave this flavor such a tiredname because they use espresso in the mix with whatever else they press together to form this vegan imitation-jerky. It's also clear by their other flavor names ("Nana Rama," "Berry Good") that they have a preference for '80s synth pop and lack creativity. They're not referencing NWA or Mahesh Babu.

I'm glad they don't try to call this beef jerky, even though it seems it's trying to look like the stuff or act as a replacement. It is not, and it doesn't have the protein content to even begin pretending.

It is, however, halfway decent fruit leather—albeit with a typical-hippie grainy texture. Maybe that's the espresso. It's not particularly chewy. Not a satisfying bite. The nuts embedded give no resistance.

The bag tells me to take back the snack. I'm not sure these pressed-date triangles would be an effective fighter in the wars over food supremacy. They lack diversity of flavor or te…

Gem City Fine Foods Marble Brownie

My wife suggested heating this thing in the microwave for 20-25 seconds. I did. Once warm, it fell apart the moment I touched it. Naturally, this made it difficult to eat. Any time I tried to pick up a piece that appeared to be a unified hunk of brownie, I was grossly disappointed as it crumbled apart between my fingers.

It held together a little better after it cooled, but the damage was done. It was moist in a disconcerting way.

This brownie is very rich, and the marbled caramel section is tasty. Shame that it has that grainy texture typical of gluten-free cakes.

Gluten holds shit together. Keep your gluten, people. If you're gonna sacrifice your desserts to the health food gods, go all the way. Eat some fucking kale.

It's a goddamned dessert. It's not supposed to be good for you, and this thing, even without gluten, is no exception.

Deja Poop Score 9/10. It's called a "brownie" for a reason. Hopefully yours aren't rectangular.

What can brown can do fo…

Oh Snap! Hottie Pickle

This is a single-serving pickle for you to snack on. They recommend serving chilled. If you've ever eaten room-temperature pickles before, you already know why. Lukewarm pickles are weird. It's also weird to suggest "serving" a pickle in a bag. You don't serve this. You eat it. Alone. Just you and the salt. Together at last.

When I was a kid, I loved tomatoes because I could pour lots of salt (or soy sauce, which is basically a brown salt-delivery liquid) on them. I don't remember having pickles in rural Brazil at the time. When I discovered pickles, I was all about 'em.

It's a vegetable with the salt already in it. Perfection. You can send those sweet pickle abominations straight to hell.

This pickle meets my savory standards, and delivers on the hot-and-spicy promise. It hits the right balance of not being too spicy but still giving plenty of that tingle on your lips. This is way the hell better than those miserable Mt. Olive/Texas Pete pickles, wh…

Chill Gummies Sour Faces Extreme Strength

These gummies aren't a typical Dirty Hippie Snack because they make no claims about being healthy or any such thing. It's just a stoner snack. It contains red 40, corn syrup, and pretty much everything else typical Dirty Hippies hate. My wife's store won't carry marijuana-related edibles to begin with (these are indeed legal), but even if they did, the total lack of health-anything in it means you'll never see it in her store.

But not all stoners are hippies, and stoners will consume anything that even looks like a pot leaf.  I looked up CBD (which this thing is "100% infused" with, though it's not clear what the 100% refers to). That's cannabidiol, which Wikipedia says no psychoactive effects.

Seeing that, I figured when the package said it "may cause drowsiness" and "do not exceed 1-2 per hour," (apparently they don't know what "do not exceed" means) it was just hype and bullshit meant to sell expensive candy t…

Chef's Cut Sriracha Flavored Bacon Jerky

Bacon jerky. I know, right? How did this not enter my face before? Before the hipsters got a hold of it and fused it with hipster ketchup, anyway.

This bacon jerky isn't tough and chewy like you expect from a beef jerky, or crispy like you might expect from bacon. It's soft, kinda like really wide noodles, but with more chew than pasta al dente. The flavor coating is candy-like in its crystalline sweetness, but the sriracha spice kicks you quickly afterward.

The pieces clump together into one big piece. It's not hard to separate, but again, it's not like beef jerky. It's good. It's tasty. But I think I'd prefer a flavor that lets the pork stand out on its own. The sriracha spice is strong.

Deja Poop Score: 6/10. The pig of fire actually smells exactly the same coming out.

Stink up the office toilet at:

World Peas Green Peas and Fava Crisps, Ranch and BBQ Flavors

Here's a series of rabbit turds I can't make my mind up about. The barbeque fava crisps are my favorite, with the crunchiest and most satisfying texture and least-dog-food-like flavor (ask me how I know). All of these have that same undertone, though the fava BBQ masks it the best.

The peas turn into a fine sand after chewing it a while, and that texture lingers in your mouth. As the flavor layer dissolves into your saliva, the pea-sand remains, which is how that dog food flavor rises to the surface.

Disregarding that, I think the ranch is my favorite for initial flavor.

Fun fact: When I was a kid, I lived around the corner from someone with a "Visualize Whirled Peas" bumper sticker on their car. I never met the owner, but I saw it every time I walked to school. I remember reading it a few times until I finally said it out loud and understood.

I'm not sure if I loved puns before then, but it was definitely a satisfying moment when I got the joke.

More satisfying…