Dirty Hippie Snacks

A solid replacement for a traditional chocolate chip cookie. There's a subtle flavor of beans at first, but the sweet and chocolaty flavors take over quickly. I like it. It's dense, more like a granola bar than a cookie, so not suitable for dunking. What surprised me is that just one cookie (the package's contents) is 200 calories. Maybe that's not a lot, but it sure sounds like it. Deja poop score: 4/10. Not being log-shaped definitely helps. Product info: http://www.theyesbar.com/products/macadamia-chocolate-6-pack

It's like eating the inside of an Almond Joy, but with an actual coconut texture and not the weird paste-like consistency. This is delicious. Would eat again. Deja poop score: 0 (no relation) Product info: http://www.fielddayproducts.com/description2?upc=4256360330&category_id=61

There is nothing wrong with dirty hippie jerky. It's made from real meat! I'm glad tofu jerky isn't a thing. But if it exists, and especially if it looks like poop, I will try it. These are my sacrifices to you, dear reader. Product info: http://sweetmeatjerky.com/collections/all

In this case, "tastes much better than it looks" is impossibly hopeless. Also: it doesn't taste good. Deja poop score: Flawless victory (10 out of 10). Product info: http://www.gopalshealthfoods.com/product/original-brownie/

Dirty hippies talk about not understanding the names on some product labels. I don't understand what makes this drink "iconic." Or what 20 grams of "grass fed Protein plus Fiber" means. Is there meat in here? Why are protein and fiber capitalized? Oh, I see. "Grass fed milk protein" is written elsewhere on the bottle. Which begs the question, how do you feed milk? The vanilla flavor is fine. It's thin like water and leaves a texture in my mouth. Tolerable drink for free. Would not buy. Product info: http://drinkiconic.com/

I don't know what a "health warrior" would do with a hard almond rectangle except attempt to bludgeon her enemies with it. Ingredients include an "Ancient Grain Blend (chia, oats, organic quinoa)" which is as good at tripping the Marketing Bullshit Meter as it is at getting stuck in your teeth. Maybe your teeth are better than mine. The flavor is inoffensive, but contains no joy. Keep gnawing on that misery brick, hippie health warrior. Deja poop score: 4 plops out of 5. Product info: http://www.healthwarrior.com/products/honey-almond/ Same story as above, except this one actually tastes alright. Dark chocolate and coconut makes a good combo. Would eat again. Deja poop score: 8 plops out of 10 (still looks like a turd). Product info: http://www.healthwarrior.com/products/dark-chocolate-coconut-sea-salt/

I don't know what it means to be "double certified organic," but it sounds like at least single-dose bullshit. Never mind the size ("organic" produce--it's all still carbon based, so the term is dubious to begin with--is usually smaller than other produce) but these soft green seeds look nothing like what I expected or what they display on the package. It also doesn't have the crunch of roasted pumpkin seeds as I know them. The taste is alright, similar to dried peas or sunflower seeds I think, but the spicy flavoring is very unevenly applied. Each bite varies between very spicy and not at all. I was looking for a snack tonight and am eating a packet of Aldi brand trail mix instead. Product info: http://www.edenfoods.com/store/spicy-pumpkin-seeds-tamari-dry-roasted-organic.html